...the 'PILL' did this?!?!

I realize it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I have some pretty significant news to share. It turns out that my severe depression and heightened BPD behaviours were caused by...get this...a BIRTH CONTROL PILL!!! Here's what happened...

Last summer, I went to see my family doctor (who is a new doctor for me, which I had only been seeing for about a year at that point) to get a refill of my prescription for birth control pills. He advised me that the pill I was on (which I think was Triquilar 21) was outdated (I had been on it on and off for about 15 years) and that there were much better pills out there these days. So, he reached into his cupboard to see what free samples the pharma companies had given him, and gave me some samples of Yaz. During my first month on that pill, I gained 8 pounds, and before that cycle was up, I marched right back to his office demanding a different pill (for obvious reasons). He then reached back into his magic pill sample cupboard and gave me a few packs of Tri Cyclen Lo (TCL). I seemed to be ok on those pills, so I kept taking them...up until last month.

Like many people who suffer from depression, I had been asking myself over and over "why had this happened to me?" What triggered it? Why had I become SO depressed? Why did the life I worked so hard to build suddenly seem to be falling spectacularly to pieces? Yes, I had dealt with depression in the past, and yes, it seems that I have shown borderline traits for much of my life. But the emotional roller coaster I had been riding for the last 8 months or so was something on a whole different level.

My boyfriend is much more observant than I am, and it was actually him that came up with the idea that maybe it was the Pill, because really, that was the only thing that I changed before becoming severely depressed. (For reference, the Pill change happened around June/July 2010, and I began to fall into a deep depression in Sept 2010.) So, we decided to hold a little experiment...take me off TCL, and see what happens.

I've been off the Pill for about 2 1/2 weeks now, and I feel GREAT! My depression is gone, and while my BPD behaviours are still there, I am able to keep them in check. Unbelievable.

What's shocking and enraging is that I've been doing a lot of online research over the past few days, and have found that so many other women have gone through virtually the exact same experiences as I have! Most even reported the same result...that when they went to see their doctors about the sudden onset of severe depression, the doctors responded by prescribing (you guessed it) anti-depressants. What a ridiculous ordeal, not to mention a truly pathetic representation of the medical community.

So now I'm angry. Feeling great otherwise, but boiling over with rage. I feel as though I've been robbed of the last 8 months of my life. It put many of my relationships at risk, including the ones that mean the most to me, and cost me so much financial and emotional pain. (Some of you may recall that I have been unable to work due to the severity of my issues, and have been on disability since Sept 2010.) My doctor is clearly a quack. What's more, I read the insert for TCL, which includes the following warning:
"Be alert for the following symptoms and signs of serious adverse effects. Call your doctor immediately if they occur: severe depression"

Calling my doctor when I became depressed was exactly what I did. Never did he mention that perhaps we should change my Pill. Instead, he experimented with various anti-depressants...and you know the rest of the story.

So, here is my concern: there is a clear lack of awareness among women that the Pill can cause such side effects. It's frustrating. In fact, it makes me want to run through the streets screaming about this to everyone, in hopes of saving other women from having to go through the experiences that I went through. I am therefore embarking on a new mission...to speak out about my experience, and to inform women about such lesser-known risks. If I can save even one woman from experiencing the pain that I have gone through, my goal will have been reached.

Please pass along this message to the women you care about. We should all be made very aware.

Much love and strength...

On a positive note...

Things seem to be looking up. I know we all have days when things are good, and other days when things are as bad as ever...and since I don't know what kind of day tomorrow will be, I'm just going to focus on today. Today is a good day.

As some of you may know, I love to knit. I actually use it as a form of therapy, because it forces me to focus my mind on something positive...and I am therefore unable to spend time thinking negative thoughts while knitting. I also love dogs, and have a 4 months old King Charles Spaniel (Daisy). So, it only made sense to combine these two loves while trying to do something to occupy my time.

I recently started a little venture called Dogs and Daisies. In short, I'm designing and knitting custom stylish dog wear. The idea was to create pieces for dogs that are truly different...fashionable yet functional, and above all, unique.  Here are a few pieces I'm proud of...

While Daisy's wardrobe is in rapid expansion mode, I decided to put some items up on Etsy...you can find me at dogsanddaisies.etsy.com. I've also jumped onto the twitter bandwagon (@DogsAndDaisies) so I can share some of my random knit-bits.

I don't know whether putting myself out there like this again is a good idea or not. In hindsight, I'm not ever sure why I'm doing it, given my intense fear of judgment and rejection...anyways, I guess we'll see what happens!

Living in the Land of Regret

My emotions get the best of me, and I hate myself for it. It pretty much feels like watching an accident happen in slow motion, and even though I know that the outcome is going to be horrific, I can't seem to tear my eyes away from it. The worst part, though, is when the accident is over and the damage is done, because that's when the real pain begins. I regret so much. And I can't seem to forgive myself for any of it. I have scars on my arms that will be with me forever, as a reminder of my darkest of days. I am embarrassed, both for my actions and my scars. I know I will get better (in some ways I already am) but when?? There are still so many days where it is taking all my strength to hold on...but I do, and will continue to do so. Because there are other days when I see the future...and it is beautiful. I just need to figure out how to get from this land to there.

Putting the mask back on

People always say to just "be yourself" and that everything will be fine. What they don't consider is whether "yourself" if someone that will be accepted by others or not. In my case, it is not.

I'm 31 years old, and I think I've lived a relatively successful life so far, in spite of my issues. And I lived most of those years wearing masks. I have very little (if any) sense of self, and have a tendency to adapt quickly to the people around me...that is, I will try to become like the people I am with, in hopes that they will like me. I bottle things up a lot, in fear of causing conflict. And when conflict does occur, I usually run away (metaphorically speaking) and start over somewhere else...because to me, it always feels like its the end of the world. Sometimes this works for me, and sometimes it doesn't. But overall I manage to get by.

Late last year, I decided to try something new...to try "being myself", to stop bottling things up, and to start trying really letting people into my life, without fear of judgment or rejection. So, I told people for the first time in my life about my then and past bouts with depression. I've since told people about BPD. I've even told people all the wonderful things I've been trying to do to "get better". I created a facebook group of close friends and family, which I hoped would act as a support network. And I started blogging.

First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who read my blog and comment back...knowing you are out there, listening, and that I am not alone, has made a world of difference. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You make me feel like I can be myself, whether on a good day or bad, and it's ok. I will continue to be my true self with you...

As for the rest of the people in my life...I feel so judged and rejected. I understand how all of this is a lot for people to handle, but somehow I thought that if for once I let people fully into my life, sharing my stories with them and opening up completely, basically standing naked and vulnerable in front of them, that they would support me. Sadly, that doesn't seem to be true :(

I guess I was on the right track before when I would just fake it and pretend to be someone I'm not. Turns out people prefer that make-believe person after all. So I'm putting the mask back on.

Failure

I've ruined everything. Again. Just like I do every time things start looking up...

Got into a huge fight with my boyfriend last night, who no longer seems to have any patience for my emotional roller coaster ride. Lately, when I get really upset, he feels like he can't help me and that he only makes things worse, so he gets frustrated and mad at me instead. And then I cry more. I don't blame him one bit for how he feels, though. I get frustrated and mad at me too.

So as usual, I spent the entire night and day so far feeling embarrassed at how I acted, horrible for making him so upset, and hopeless at the thought of ever being able to fix things. I feel like everything is doomed. I want to run away and disappear. And I want to die, although knowing me, that would be just another thing I end up screwing up, and I'd end up in the hospital, still alive, and totally humiliated.

And now I am once again as low as I've ever been. It scares me, the fact that I don't know how to hold things together. It's hard enough for me to handle my own emotions...let alone the thought of burdening others with it...its really, really hard to hard to hang on. But I do. I don't know why. I certainly can't see the end of the tunnel right now...I don't know what to do.

Nothing I ever do is good enough. 3 good days this week mean nothing when they're followed by 2 bad days. Regardless of the fact that I used to have 5 bad days and 2 good days a week, and just looking at the numbers it seems like I'm making progress, its obviously not good enough. It's never good enough. And it hurts so much. I just want to be good enough at something, for once in my life. But I'm not. All I am is a failure.

New season, new start

The last few days have been really, really good. I've been doing a lot of thinking (and reading) about the repercussions of having a narcissistic mother, and I have to say that it totally validates how I've felt about myself for as long as I can remember. What a relief! It has also given me a starting point from which I can start to actually deal with those issues...and I'm learning a whole lot about myself in the process. Yesterday, for instance, I was doing an exercise I learned from the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough that had me asking myself a whole bunch of questions to help me with my self-discovery. The questions would be things like how do I feel about education, politics, religion, and what are my favorite colours, activities, etc. As trivial as this may sound, for a daughter of a narcissistic mother who also suffers from BPD, and as such has very little sense of self, stopping to ask these questions and writing them down actually made me realize that I know a lot more about myself than I thought. :)

I've also been doing much better on the depression front over the last few days. It seems that Zoloft may be a good fit for me...although only time will tell for sure. I've been on these meds for about 2 1/2 weeks now, and so far things look promising. For one thing, these are the first meds to not cause me to have insomnia and all those horrible dreams I used to have, all night, every night. So I'm actually sleeping for the first time in a long, long time.

I still don't have a therapist, as no one I've found will help me and my BPD diagnosis. But I also have great news to report here...it looks like I may have gotten into another 20-week DBT skills training program that is being offered in my community! If so, that program should start in about a month. I'm really excited! I so badly want to get better...to stop self-harming, and to finally move on with my life...but feel like I just don't have the tools or the skills to do it on my own. Even with all the books I've been reading, I just can't seem to get much to stick. Maybe with some training and support, I'll have better luck.

Just to keep things in perspective, though, I've been dealing with these issues for long enough to know that a few good days don't necessarily mean everything will be fine from here on out...although one can't help but feel both relief and excitement on those days when the sun decides to peak out from behind the clouds. Still, I've been trying my best to take advantage of the good days. I've recently started looking for opportunities to volunteer, even on just 1 or 2 days a week, for a few hours a day. As much as I'm not ready to re-join the work force yet, I figure getting out for just a few hours a week should be manageable, especially if it's to do something I like. For me, that would be working with horses. When I was a teenager, I was a trail guide at a ranch, and looking back, that was hands down the best job I ever had. I'm seeing if this would maybe be something I could get back into, at least for now.

I'm also working on a bit of a home project. Those of you who read my old blog will know that I am a knitter. I absolutely love to knit, but more than that, I like to create my own patterns. I used to follow store-bought patterns, but found that they all seemed somehow frumpy. So, a few years ago, I started creating my own. I also recently got a puppy...a little 3-month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, named Daisy...who I also love dearly. It would therefore only make sense that I combine these 2 loves, and start making unique handmade knit dog sweaters! Here's Daisy's first...

As tough as the fall and winter seasons were, so far spring looks promising. The tough part is to keep the momentum going, but I can only take things one day at a time. So that's exactly what I'm going to do...think only about today...I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.

How much progress have I really made?

The last few days have been really, really tough. See, last week (Thursday, I think) I learned 2 pretty significant things about myself: that I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother, and that she physically and emotionally abused me as a child (the emotional abuse actually hasn't stopped). It's a strange experience, to learn new things about myself, especially when those things explain so much about why I am the way I am (and mostly the things I hate). It's enlightening, validating, but also saddening and hurtful, all rolled into one. And it sent me on an emotional roller coaster ride that doesn't want to stop.

For as long as I can remember, anytime I do anything that is less than perfect, I feel like a total and utter failure...like its the end of the world. Yesterday, for example, I thought I had annoyed my boyfriend because he wasn't responding to some silly actions of mine, when in reality all he was doing was falling asleep. I started to cry. Not like 1 or 2 tears running down my cheek, but all out hysterical bawling. When he tried to ask me what was wrong, I pulled away from him and refused to speak. It was like the sadness had paralyzed my thoughts and my speech, and I was so convinced that he had absolutely enough of me, that my life might as well have ended right then. So I went to the bathroom, grabbed my safety pin, and created another scratch on my forearm. This is the third on my arm...there are also 2 on my leg... The rest of the night didn't get much better, either, and came complete with plenty of crying and banging my head, both on our wooden headboard and on the tile floor.

It was really upsetting that I lost control like that. Even worse is that I now feel so much guilt and embarrassment that I'm finding it impossibly hard to move on. The wound on my arm and the bumps on my head don't make it any easier to forget last night either. I'm also convinced that my boyfriend is absolutely fed up with me...he just doesn't seem to have much patience for me anymore. I don't blame him. He's without a doubt the most patient and understanding person I know, but everyone has their limits...

Growing up, I always thought I was just a socially awkward, insecure perfectionist, with absolutely no sense of identity. Now I'm learning that there may be a reason for all that. As far as I have been told, starting when I was as young as 4 or 5, my mom used to stand behind me when I practiced my instruments, and beat me with a wooden spoon whenever I made a mistake. No wonder I'm afraid of trying anything new in front of people, and of doing anything less that 100% perfect! It kind of makes me wonder if a lot of the issues I have, including possibly my BPD, is a result of the childhood I had. I'll have to do some more digging into my past...I'm really curious as to what else might come up. Funny thing is I can literally count my childhood memories on one hand. I can barely recall anything that happened before my early teens. I thought perhaps there was trauma in my childhood, and that was why I had blocked it out, but my mom (the alcoholic queen of denial) will only tell me that my childhood was nothing short of perfect. So I've decided to have lunch with my dad this week...we don't speak all that often, but maybe he can give me some more insight into what really went on at our home, at least up until he left my mom when I was 7.

So, those of you who read my old blog shouldn't be surprised to learn that I bought a book on narcissistic mothers, both to validate my experiences and to learn more about what I'm dealing with. It's called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing The Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers" by Karyl McBride, PhD. It's refreshing to read a book that could very well have been written about my mother and I, because it means that I'm not the only one struggling to deal with these issues. But if learning about my mom and my childhood has sent me back into a dark pit for the last few days, I can't help but wonder...am I really any better than I was a few months ago, or did I just have a few random better days? Have I made any progress at all?