Thursday, September 15, 2011

Why am I so sad?

Last Thursday, so a week ago today, I got engaged. I am thrilled about that. My boyfriend and I were traveling at the time and he completely surprised me by the proposal. Not that I wasn't expecting us to get engaged, we had been talking about our future since shortly after we started dating, but I wasn't expecting it to happen on that trip. Anyways, he totally blew me was perfect, and the days that followed were perfect as well.

Last night, however, I started to feel a deep sadness begin to resurface again, and it doesn't seem to want to go away. It doesn't have anything to do with our future, I am certain of that. What I think it has to do with, rather, is the rest of my life. I don't feel like I have much going for me outside of our relationship, and that makes me incredibly unhappy. Its like when we're together, everything is fine. But when my boyfriend has boys' plans that don't include me, or even talks about such plans that are coming up, I fall completely and utterly apart. I want him to be happy and to see his friends, but can't even manage to hold it together or fake it long enough to let him go without first smothering him with overwhelming guilt. The thing is, right now, he is my life. I'm not proud of that fact and don't like it one bit, but that's the way it is. I am trying little by little to gain at least a smidgen of independence, but am having a really, really hard time. I hate being alone. I have people to call if I want, and I'm pretty sure I could find something else to do to occupy my time when he's not around, but I'm just not interested in seeing anyone other than him, most of the time. The end result is that he usually follows through with his plans anyways, haunted by the guilt I've left him with, while I stay alone feeling completely abandoned. I don't want to be like this, but haven't yet figured out how to change.