Thursday, September 15, 2011

Why am I so sad?

Last Thursday, so a week ago today, I got engaged. I am thrilled about that. My boyfriend and I were traveling at the time and he completely surprised me by the proposal. Not that I wasn't expecting us to get engaged, we had been talking about our future since shortly after we started dating, but I wasn't expecting it to happen on that trip. Anyways, he totally blew me was perfect, and the days that followed were perfect as well.

Last night, however, I started to feel a deep sadness begin to resurface again, and it doesn't seem to want to go away. It doesn't have anything to do with our future, I am certain of that. What I think it has to do with, rather, is the rest of my life. I don't feel like I have much going for me outside of our relationship, and that makes me incredibly unhappy. Its like when we're together, everything is fine. But when my boyfriend has boys' plans that don't include me, or even talks about such plans that are coming up, I fall completely and utterly apart. I want him to be happy and to see his friends, but can't even manage to hold it together or fake it long enough to let him go without first smothering him with overwhelming guilt. The thing is, right now, he is my life. I'm not proud of that fact and don't like it one bit, but that's the way it is. I am trying little by little to gain at least a smidgen of independence, but am having a really, really hard time. I hate being alone. I have people to call if I want, and I'm pretty sure I could find something else to do to occupy my time when he's not around, but I'm just not interested in seeing anyone other than him, most of the time. The end result is that he usually follows through with his plans anyways, haunted by the guilt I've left him with, while I stay alone feeling completely abandoned. I don't want to be like this, but haven't yet figured out how to change.


  1. I'm a new follower and I must say I completely understand what you are going through. I too feel as though I don't have much going outside of my relationship. I am sure that as much as we believe it, that is not the case. Good luck and congratulations on your engagement.


  2. Congratulations on your engagement!

    When I am in a relationship, I go between being independent and yet clingy. Right now I am single but love being independent but miss relationships.

  3. Congratulations on the engagement!! It's great that you recognise you are dependent on your fiance, and that he feels guilty leaving you to go do his own thing. You can change this, slowly and bit by bit. Find interesting things to do, fun people to talk to, or just use the time you are alone to write, meditate, heal yourself. You can do it, the awareness is the first step (-: Hugs xx

  4. Congrats on your engagement! It's not uncommon for people to experience similar feelings of sadness when experiencing major life events -- even those that bring much joy. Allow yourself to experience whatever emotions arise and try not to judge or be too hard on yourself. Very happy to share in your exciting news! :) *hugs*