Friday, August 26, 2011

No expectations, no disappointments

I'm completely stressed out. Next week, I'm supposed to be spending the entire week up at a cottage with my bf and his entire family. They do this every year, although last year was the first year I joined them (I had just recently come into the picture). Anyways, I remember it being pretty fun. Lots of time to relax, spend time outdoors, read, swim, and just be in good company. This may sound a bit strange, but although my bf and I had only been dating for about 6 months, I felt like a part of the family.

That was then.

Last fall, when my depression and BPD reared their ugly heads, my bf and I made the decision to tell his family what we were going through. Although I wasn't comfortable with the idea, we were dealing with a lot back then and needed more support than what we could get from just each other and the few close friends we had confided in. So, we told them everything...about my severe depression, my nightmarish experiences with various anti-depressants, my going on sick leave from work, my BPD...and although they didn't fully understand what all of that meant (most of them had never been exposed to any mental illness before), they seemed rather understanding. It was nice. I felt like we had their support and that we could count on them to not turn their backs on us (as other people had done).

Next came our discovery about the birth control pill and the role it had played in all this. We told them all about that as well. The thing is, though, my relationships with a few key people in his family somehow haven't been the same since. Its like they are keeping me at arms length, and aren't quite sure of what to think of me. (I'm the crazy girlfriend who could snap at any moment.) I'll admit that I am very insecure to begin with, and I know I have the tendency to over think things. But something just feels different. Like I used to be treated like part of the family, and now I'm just treated like my bf's girlfriend. It's difficult to explain...but it hurts like hell. Last year (pre-depression) I could see such a wonderful and positive future ahead of us. Our relationship was solid, his family was encouraging, and things were just great all around. Now after everything we've been through, its like everything is completely messed up and will never be as good as it could have been had I not been the way I am. Whenever I think about it, its like a knife twisting in my heart. I haven't yet figured out how to be ok with that.

So that's how I'm feeling about my relationship with my bf's family. And now I get to spend a whole week with them. Although I'm trying not to think about it too much, I am preparing for it to be very different than last year. I am not the social butterfly that I was back then, and don't really care to put myself out there to people who I don't feel are receptive to me. So, I'm bringing lots and lots of knitting supplies and books. The weather is slowly starting to cool off and I need to start knitting my doggy sweater inventory for the fall anyways. On the upside, it should be a productive week as far as my business is concerned :) And as long as I remember not to have any other expectations, I can't get hurt.


  1. Just try and fun dear, and not let the others get to you if you can. Ive never felt comfortable around Toasts family, so I can understand.

  2. Maybe once they spend some time around you and realise you're not going to flip out and act nutty, they will relax and be friendly again. It's good you'll have your own projects to do. Hope you can have some fun at least xx