Here we are...another day, another fight with my bf caused by my own insecurities and lack of self-esteem. What a wonderful way to start the day.
We were supposed to have lunch with "our" friends today. (I say "our" because they were his friends before we started dating, but have become our mutual friends by virtue of our relationship.) This lunch was planned a few days ago, when one person decided to send out an email to "the group" to set up a lunch for today. I was not included in that email. In my mind, that translates into them wanting to have lunch without me. I'm sure that I would have been welcome to join and nobody would have said anything about it, but the point is that I wasn't asked directly...and to me, that means that they didn't expressly want me there. That in itself is a good enough reason for me to not want to go.
Of course, my bf doesn't understand my interpretation of the situation. In his view, they are "our" friends, I am always welcome and wanted, and by them asking him if he wanted to have lunch, it was implied that I was being invited as well. I'm not so sure I agree with that, mostly because there are other times when I am included in group emails by those same people. Either way, the result is the same. My bf and I fought. I cried hysterically. He got incredibly stressed. And now there's uneasiness between us. Again.
So, this situation got me thinking about my "friends" in general. As I mentioned in my last post, I feel like the only time I get to see people is when I chase them down and make plans with them. I think that's what got me so upset this morning...the feeling of being left out of today's lunch stirred up my feelings about being left out of almost everything. And in the end its my relationship with my bf that pays the price.
Here's the thing: I'm over-sensitive, I lack self-confidence, and I feel like an outcast most of the time. None of this is new. What is new, however, is that my bf simply doesn't have the patience anymore to deal with me and my distorted thinking. I blame myself fully for this. I truly believe that the relationship struggles we are facing now are a direct result of my inability to pull myself together and just be a "normal, happy person". I can't even fake it for a day, for goodness sake! And believe me, I have tried. (Actually, I think I start almost everyday by thinking "OK, its a new day, time to pretend to be the strong, confident, happy person my bf needs me to be. If I can do that, then everything will be fine.") But each time I fail, I hate myself for it, and end up making everything so much worse.
My bf has been saying a lot of things lately like "I just can't be the rock I used to be" and "I feel like I can't do or say anything anymore". He's been breaking down a lot, and I am the cause. I hate myself for this too. He says he doesn't want me to leave, but I can't stand seeing myself put him through all this pain and misery. It's like watching a horrific car crash happen over and over again. If I can't be the happy stable person he needs me to be, and I can't figure out how to fake it, what am I supposed to do?