Monday, April 11, 2011

Living in the Land of Regret

My emotions get the best of me, and I hate myself for it. It pretty much feels like watching an accident happen in slow motion, and even though I know that the outcome is going to be horrific, I can't seem to tear my eyes away from it. The worst part, though, is when the accident is over and the damage is done, because that's when the real pain begins. I regret so much. And I can't seem to forgive myself for any of it. I have scars on my arms that will be with me forever, as a reminder of my darkest of days. I am embarrassed, both for my actions and my scars. I know I will get better (in some ways I already am) but when?? There are still so many days where it is taking all my strength to hold on...but I do, and will continue to do so. Because there are other days when I see the future...and it is beautiful. I just need to figure out how to get from this land to there.


  1. Our emotions can take over who we are sometimes, and I admire you for remembering that it gets better.
    On my bad days, I always tell myself tomorrow will be another day. It will get better. It does get better.

  2. When I read this I felt tears spring to my eyes. I know your pain. I have had very similar experiences. On days where I feel like I am losing control I tell myself "It's ok to not be ok." Forgiving yourself is sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do. Just know that you are not alone. There is someone out there who understands. It is hard to not be ashamed of your scars..both the emotional and the physical. I too have scars on my arms that I am ashamed of. On days when it hurts remind yourself that these scars bear witness to all you have overcome. Keep that beautiful future that you envision fresh in your will get there.

  3. I know sometimes it feels hopeless. I feel that way too but it won't always be that way. Most of my scars are internal and fester away in me if I let them.

    It is slow and I have good and bad days. I just try to take one day at a time.

  4. *sigh* I relate to SO much of what you're saying here -- I've been in such hopeless despair lately that it's hard to remember the good times; the brief glimpses of hope. I guess we just have to keep reminding ourselves that they ARE there -- somewhere -- and keep on keeping on. *hugs* Sending you lots of love and best wishes for wellness for all of us.