People always say to just "be yourself" and that everything will be fine. What they don't consider is whether "yourself" if someone that will be accepted by others or not. In my case, it is not.
I'm 31 years old, and I think I've lived a relatively successful life so far, in spite of my issues. And I lived most of those years wearing masks. I have very little (if any) sense of self, and have a tendency to adapt quickly to the people around me...that is, I will try to become like the people I am with, in hopes that they will like me. I bottle things up a lot, in fear of causing conflict. And when conflict does occur, I usually run away (metaphorically speaking) and start over somewhere else...because to me, it always feels like its the end of the world. Sometimes this works for me, and sometimes it doesn't. But overall I manage to get by.
Late last year, I decided to try something new...to try "being myself", to stop bottling things up, and to start trying really letting people into my life, without fear of judgment or rejection. So, I told people for the first time in my life about my then and past bouts with depression. I've since told people about BPD. I've even told people all the wonderful things I've been trying to do to "get better". I created a facebook group of close friends and family, which I hoped would act as a support network. And I started blogging.
First of all, I want to say thank you to all of you who read my blog and comment back...knowing you are out there, listening, and that I am not alone, has made a world of difference. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You make me feel like I can be myself, whether on a good day or bad, and it's ok. I will continue to be my true self with you...
As for the rest of the people in my life...I feel so judged and rejected. I understand how all of this is a lot for people to handle, but somehow I thought that if for once I let people fully into my life, sharing my stories with them and opening up completely, basically standing naked and vulnerable in front of them, that they would support me. Sadly, that doesn't seem to be true :(
I guess I was on the right track before when I would just fake it and pretend to be someone I'm not. Turns out people prefer that make-believe person after all. So I'm putting the mask back on.