Friday, March 25, 2011


I've ruined everything. Again. Just like I do every time things start looking up...

Got into a huge fight with my boyfriend last night, who no longer seems to have any patience for my emotional roller coaster ride. Lately, when I get really upset, he feels like he can't help me and that he only makes things worse, so he gets frustrated and mad at me instead. And then I cry more. I don't blame him one bit for how he feels, though. I get frustrated and mad at me too.

So as usual, I spent the entire night and day so far feeling embarrassed at how I acted, horrible for making him so upset, and hopeless at the thought of ever being able to fix things. I feel like everything is doomed. I want to run away and disappear. And I want to die, although knowing me, that would be just another thing I end up screwing up, and I'd end up in the hospital, still alive, and totally humiliated.

And now I am once again as low as I've ever been. It scares me, the fact that I don't know how to hold things together. It's hard enough for me to handle my own emotions...let alone the thought of burdening others with it...its really, really hard to hard to hang on. But I do. I don't know why. I certainly can't see the end of the tunnel right now...I don't know what to do.

Nothing I ever do is good enough. 3 good days this week mean nothing when they're followed by 2 bad days. Regardless of the fact that I used to have 5 bad days and 2 good days a week, and just looking at the numbers it seems like I'm making progress, its obviously not good enough. It's never good enough. And it hurts so much. I just want to be good enough at something, for once in my life. But I'm not. All I am is a failure.


  1. Lost Girl,
    Please don't be so hard on yourself. Even though I don't personally know you, you seem like a wonderful person. Your boyfriend is with you and loves you for a reason. None of us is perfect and we all mess up but you're here for a reason. God Bless you!
    - Melissa

  2. Oh sweetheart! 3 good days means EVERYTHING! I know when I deal with my daughter, we rejoice in the good days - even tho the bad days jumps around the corner eventually.
    Every single good day is something to rejoice!

  3. It makes me sad knowing how you feel today. Are you able to go for a walk? I know that sounds lame right now, but somehow it always helps me. Or, find some good music or someone to talk with. It is hard, I know. Still, you are not alone. Hang in there and take care of your self.
    Thinking of you.

  4. Hello Lost Girl!
    I know exactly how you feel, because I do exactly the same thing. Sometimes I wonder whether it is me sabotaging my own world. I know when I am down, I feel like I am a burden to my family, my friends and my "lover" (will call him this for now). I have also noticed that when things don't go as I would like them to go with him, I immediately take a turn for the worse.
    One of the techniques that I learned with CBT was, if a friend of mine was in my same situation, what would I tell her? That somehow has helped me with the uncontrolable desire of ending it all.
    You have us to share your thoughts with, and I am more than happy for you to contact me, if you feel down. My email is Add me on msn and we can have a chat!
    Take care darling!

  5. Hi lost girl,
    Just want to say I feel for you.
    Only people who suffer from serious depression or similar things can truly understand how low one can feel and how impossible life can seem.
    The bad days that follow the good are so overwhelming, they can make the good "dissapear."
    Just want to say that if you are getting help and trying, you are getting better however slowly. It's steps up and down, and very often the reason that we feel so down after tons of effort is reflective of how far we've come because we care more so a setback is so painful.
    Also, in your worst moments remember that you are helping people you connect with online. So you are really good, productive and important. And of course I don't know everything else you do, but that I'm sure is definitely just the start.
    Keep strong. Hope you have a better weekend.

  6. 'It can't rain all the time' You will find the strength, not today or tomorrow but in time you will. Try to stay positive. :0)