I've ruined everything. Again. Just like I do every time things start looking up...
Got into a huge fight with my boyfriend last night, who no longer seems to have any patience for my emotional roller coaster ride. Lately, when I get really upset, he feels like he can't help me and that he only makes things worse, so he gets frustrated and mad at me instead. And then I cry more. I don't blame him one bit for how he feels, though. I get frustrated and mad at me too.
So as usual, I spent the entire night and day so far feeling embarrassed at how I acted, horrible for making him so upset, and hopeless at the thought of ever being able to fix things. I feel like everything is doomed. I want to run away and disappear. And I want to die, although knowing me, that would be just another thing I end up screwing up, and I'd end up in the hospital, still alive, and totally humiliated.
And now I am once again as low as I've ever been. It scares me, the fact that I don't know how to hold things together. It's hard enough for me to handle my own emotions...let alone the thought of burdening others with it...its really, really hard to hard to hang on. But I do. I don't know why. I certainly can't see the end of the tunnel right now...I don't know what to do.
Nothing I ever do is good enough. 3 good days this week mean nothing when they're followed by 2 bad days. Regardless of the fact that I used to have 5 bad days and 2 good days a week, and just looking at the numbers it seems like I'm making progress, its obviously not good enough. It's never good enough. And it hurts so much. I just want to be good enough at something, for once in my life. But I'm not. All I am is a failure.