Wednesday, March 23, 2011

New season, new start

The last few days have been really, really good. I've been doing a lot of thinking (and reading) about the repercussions of having a narcissistic mother, and I have to say that it totally validates how I've felt about myself for as long as I can remember. What a relief! It has also given me a starting point from which I can start to actually deal with those issues...and I'm learning a whole lot about myself in the process. Yesterday, for instance, I was doing an exercise I learned from the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough that had me asking myself a whole bunch of questions to help me with my self-discovery. The questions would be things like how do I feel about education, politics, religion, and what are my favorite colours, activities, etc. As trivial as this may sound, for a daughter of a narcissistic mother who also suffers from BPD, and as such has very little sense of self, stopping to ask these questions and writing them down actually made me realize that I know a lot more about myself than I thought. :)

I've also been doing much better on the depression front over the last few days. It seems that Zoloft may be a good fit for me...although only time will tell for sure. I've been on these meds for about 2 1/2 weeks now, and so far things look promising. For one thing, these are the first meds to not cause me to have insomnia and all those horrible dreams I used to have, all night, every night. So I'm actually sleeping for the first time in a long, long time.

I still don't have a therapist, as no one I've found will help me and my BPD diagnosis. But I also have great news to report looks like I may have gotten into another 20-week DBT skills training program that is being offered in my community! If so, that program should start in about a month. I'm really excited! I so badly want to get stop self-harming, and to finally move on with my life...but feel like I just don't have the tools or the skills to do it on my own. Even with all the books I've been reading, I just can't seem to get much to stick. Maybe with some training and support, I'll have better luck.

Just to keep things in perspective, though, I've been dealing with these issues for long enough to know that a few good days don't necessarily mean everything will be fine from here on out...although one can't help but feel both relief and excitement on those days when the sun decides to peak out from behind the clouds. Still, I've been trying my best to take advantage of the good days. I've recently started looking for opportunities to volunteer, even on just 1 or 2 days a week, for a few hours a day. As much as I'm not ready to re-join the work force yet, I figure getting out for just a few hours a week should be manageable, especially if it's to do something I like. For me, that would be working with horses. When I was a teenager, I was a trail guide at a ranch, and looking back, that was hands down the best job I ever had. I'm seeing if this would maybe be something I could get back into, at least for now.

I'm also working on a bit of a home project. Those of you who read my old blog will know that I am a knitter. I absolutely love to knit, but more than that, I like to create my own patterns. I used to follow store-bought patterns, but found that they all seemed somehow frumpy. So, a few years ago, I started creating my own. I also recently got a puppy...a little 3-month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, named Daisy...who I also love dearly. It would therefore only make sense that I combine these 2 loves, and start making unique handmade knit dog sweaters! Here's Daisy's first...

As tough as the fall and winter seasons were, so far spring looks promising. The tough part is to keep the momentum going, but I can only take things one day at a time. So that's exactly what I'm going to do...think only about today...I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.


  1. Sister of the Heart,
    I too took years trying to get through the crap I grew up with.
    Mom the alcoholic, Mom the narcissistic sociopath who resented her children.
    We later discovered she had a massive calcified aneurysm from an accident 40 years ago.
    Still damage was done. It took a long time to forgive her.... but it makes a difference.
    I don't know if your mum is worth forgiving, I don't know what she's done, but know my heart is with you.

  2. Hello! I have just stumbled on your blog after reading Lil's. I am so glad Spring is looking up for you. Just to let you know I am listening and thinking of you. :-) Pixie xx

  3. Vicki and Pixie...thank you both :)

  4. Hi! Thanks for commenting on my blog. I just started reading yours and I can really see we feel the same way about things. Love that you knit. Maybe you can teach me via email sometime.

  5. Just stumbled upon your blog and can definitely relate to much of what you're going through. Look forward to reading more from you! Hope you'll stop by my blog and say hello as well :) *hugs*

  6. I am so happy to hear you got into the DBT program. As you know, I am new to blogging, but already--thanks to people like you, I'm able to reap the benefits of "being heard". Thank you for that.
    God bless narcissistic mothers. They did us a terrible wrong but then, terrible wrongs were also done to them. Hang in there sweetie.

  7. Addison, any time! I just taught myself how to knit a few years ago, and its become my latest obsession. At least its a healthy one ;)

    bpdisme2, thank you for posting...I will follow you as well...

    And Linda, you are so very welcome. And you are right about our moms. They probably haven't had the easiest life either. Recognizing that makes it that much easier to accept that they are the way they are...and move on...

  8. I am glad you are feeling hopeful about the Zoloft. It is difficult to let yourself hope but also tough not to. I will hope for you as well. I hope things continue to look up and that you are able to feel good about the progress you are making.

    May the spring bring you lots of flowers and sunshine -- metaphorically and literally.