The last few days have been really, really good. I've been doing a lot of thinking (and reading) about the repercussions of having a narcissistic mother, and I have to say that it totally validates how I've felt about myself for as long as I can remember. What a relief! It has also given me a starting point from which I can start to actually deal with those issues...and I'm learning a whole lot about myself in the process. Yesterday, for instance, I was doing an exercise I learned from the book Will I Ever Be Good Enough that had me asking myself a whole bunch of questions to help me with my self-discovery. The questions would be things like how do I feel about education, politics, religion, and what are my favorite colours, activities, etc. As trivial as this may sound, for a daughter of a narcissistic mother who also suffers from BPD, and as such has very little sense of self, stopping to ask these questions and writing them down actually made me realize that I know a lot more about myself than I thought. :)
I've also been doing much better on the depression front over the last few days. It seems that Zoloft may be a good fit for me...although only time will tell for sure. I've been on these meds for about 2 1/2 weeks now, and so far things look promising. For one thing, these are the first meds to not cause me to have insomnia and all those horrible dreams I used to have, all night, every night. So I'm actually sleeping for the first time in a long, long time.
I still don't have a therapist, as no one I've found will help me and my BPD diagnosis. But I also have great news to report here...it looks like I may have gotten into another 20-week DBT skills training program that is being offered in my community! If so, that program should start in about a month. I'm really excited! I so badly want to get better...to stop self-harming, and to finally move on with my life...but feel like I just don't have the tools or the skills to do it on my own. Even with all the books I've been reading, I just can't seem to get much to stick. Maybe with some training and support, I'll have better luck.
Just to keep things in perspective, though, I've been dealing with these issues for long enough to know that a few good days don't necessarily mean everything will be fine from here on out...although one can't help but feel both relief and excitement on those days when the sun decides to peak out from behind the clouds. Still, I've been trying my best to take advantage of the good days. I've recently started looking for opportunities to volunteer, even on just 1 or 2 days a week, for a few hours a day. As much as I'm not ready to re-join the work force yet, I figure getting out for just a few hours a week should be manageable, especially if it's to do something I like. For me, that would be working with horses. When I was a teenager, I was a trail guide at a ranch, and looking back, that was hands down the best job I ever had. I'm seeing if this would maybe be something I could get back into, at least for now.
I'm also working on a bit of a home project. Those of you who read my old blog will know that I am a knitter. I absolutely love to knit, but more than that, I like to create my own patterns. I used to follow store-bought patterns, but found that they all seemed somehow frumpy. So, a few years ago, I started creating my own. I also recently got a puppy...a little 3-month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, named Daisy...who I also love dearly. It would therefore only make sense that I combine these 2 loves, and start making unique handmade knit dog sweaters! Here's Daisy's first...